I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
