When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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