Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
