we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
