Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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