Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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