I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
