I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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