Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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