my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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