I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
