just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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