Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
