Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
