It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
