im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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