You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize