Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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