Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
