I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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