I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
