Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
