if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
