Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
