come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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