I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
