I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
