peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize