I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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