Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
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