I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
