Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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