I wish I could teleport
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize