i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
