he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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