i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
