Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
