i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
