Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
