I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were trust falling into bushes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
