so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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