If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
