yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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