i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
