So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
