I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
