its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
