I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize