i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
