Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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