I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
