last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
babies were throwing up all over the place
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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