mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
