Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I need to align my fucking chakras
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
