Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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