I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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