He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
